I quickened my step, hating that I was running late for this. Scanning the chairs in the coffee shop I spotted her sitting with her head buried in a book. Smiling as I walked over to the table, she looked just like I remembered from all those years ago.

“Hey,” I said softly, as she looked up at me and smiled. I saw the hesitation – should she stand up and hug me? I laughed “No, we know we don’t like hugs so let’s not put ourselves through that.” I saw her relax, wow she looked so fresh faced and young. I envied her slim figure, remembering how long ago it was that I looked like that.

“What are you reading?” I nodded towards the book she had placed onto the table. “Virginia Andrews” she said as she turned it over so I could see the front cover. “My favourite” we said together, laughing.

“Can I get you a drink?” I asked. “Just a coke or something, I’m hungover and hate coffee.”  I laughed, “I only recently gave up a fifteen year habit of two coffees a day!” She scrunched up her face with a look of disgust, “Ugh, I can’t stand the smell of it. So glad you’re past that phase!”

I grabbed a coke for her and bottle of water for me. Settling back into my chair, I was glad that this was much more comfortable than I had imagined it would be. I looked at her, so innocent and not knowing what the years ahead held. “How are you?” I asked. She stifled a yawn, and replied “Tired – the baby, uni work, partying – it all takes it out of you.” I smiled, I knew because I remembered it all and wouldn’t even have the energy for half of it anymore.

She leaned forward with her elbows on the table, “Tell me it gets easier. Tell me we find love. Tell me life isn’t always this hopeless.” How do I answer her? How honest should I be? We are the same, but we are so different, I bear the scars of the past twenty years, and she is still lost, searching.

“Things change, the hangovers definitely come to an end” I begin, and pause, “We do find love and marry a wonderful man. And we finally have hope because I have faith in Jesus, so no it’s not always this hopeless. But life is messy for a while yet and we have to go through some really hard stuff I’m afraid, but those times won’t last forever. You need to know that you don’t have to keep being strong and doing this on your own. God is the one who will get you through this and give you the strength you need. With Him, all things are possible.”

She sat back in her chair, her long brown hair glinting in the sunlight, how I longed for that healthy glow back in my dull hair which was in need of a good cut.

“I know you don’t feel like you are enough, but you are enough right now. Don’t let anyone make you feel any different.” She looked away from me as I spoke and I could see her eyes glistening as she fought back the tears, not wanting to cry in front of others. I was grateful I was now more comfortable in my own emotion. I felt the tears fall from my eyes as I continued, “I see myself as I wish others would see me – as God sees me. Worthy and loved. I’m proud of you for working so hard to make changes in your life even though it feels like things don’t change, you are making steps in the right direction. Keep going.”

She didn’t say anything for a while, then she asked quietly, “Is he fit?” I laughed, “Yes, very! Just our type but a good guy.” “Good, because I would have hated for us to have changed that much that we settled on some random guy.”

I reach across the table to put my hand on hers, “I have changed; we change. God changed us the most but no matter what we go through, God will turn it for our good, He will use it all for good and we will be ok.”

She smiled, “This has been alright you know, a bit weird but good. I’ve got to go and pick the baby up from nursery and I don’t want to be late.” She stood up and put her book in her backpack. “You look alright for being in your 40’s though because that’s pretty old,” she laughed, “It’s like seeing a brand-new version of me.”

As she walked away, I sat with the silence she left behind, a strange peace settling over me. I whispered a prayer, hoping our conversation had planted something healing within her.

Amber x