Anxiety is absolutely kicking my butt at the moment! I think I feel worse this year, than last year as I process the trauma of Azariahs birth & open heart surgery, along with the realisation that the second surgery is just round the corner.

When I was younger, I used to look at people who experienced really horrible things & think, “God must only give those battles to really strong people”. I know I’ve been strong & I know that I rely on God’s strength but that does not mean its easy at all.

The anxiety (I will never refer to it as “my anxiety” as this isn’t mine, its unwanted!) is getting worse. I’m dealing with things differently,  my boundaries have changed, my relationships have changed,  my priorities have changed, I’ve changed. 

My biggest fear looms everyday, above everything, during every interaction I have, every conversation – will my child survive? No one wants to hear you say it if they are honest,  but how are you meant to deal with this stuff in community if you are unable to be honest.

Nothing else really matters. Nothing else is as important as what we are about to go through.  I know it’s far from some people’s minds, even family. I’ve chosen to walk away from relationships where I’ve realised that.

I always said I was going to be honest about this journey & some might think “Amber’s moaning again” Cool  I will do what I need to do to deal with this big black dog & encourage others to do the same.

Speak your truth, get help, talk, find your community ❤️