This week we’ve been settling Azariah, our three-year-old, with a childminder. If you are new around here, then you may not know much about Azariah. He has a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery at 13 days old and again at 2.5 years old. This meant he was a vulnerable baby until that second surgery so when I returned to work, we were advised by our cardiac liaison nurses that the safest form of childcare for him was a place with the least number of children. We chose to have a nanny who came to the house to care for just him.

Since finding out about Azariah’s heart at our 20-week scan, we have lived quite an isolated life keeping our bubble to family and close friends as much as we can. Despite this Azariah has been well socialised and is a very confident boy whom you can have a lovely conversation with.

Due to financial reasons, we have had to look at using the free childcare offered by the government which unfortunately doesn’t cover a nanny. Hence why Azariah has been having settling in sessions this week, to get used to being there. For a few weeks the nanny will still come for one day a week so it’s not such a sudden change for him but we will be sad to see her go.

That’s the backstory. Last week I left him for one hour, yesterday I left him for four hours and today will be four hours again. He happily went in yesterday and despite asking for us throughout the day, he had a good day. I however didn’t!

While driving to pick him up, I suddenly had a flashback to leaving him for that last open-heart surgery and going to see him once we were told we could – almost 10 hours later!! Those feelings hit me hard and although this was a completely different situation, images and intrusive thoughts plagued my mind for the rest of the day. Images that I had never even seen or thought about such as him on the operating table. That was an image I hadn’t really thought about because the reality of the images I had already were hard enough. For the rest of the day, I felt exhausted, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and my body felt heavy.

As a Christian, I give these thoughts and images back to God and ask Him to take them away. To take this heavy load that I carry and to give me His peace. He has done this many times over the journey but due to my bodies trauma response my mind keeps picking them back up and reminding me of them.

I am grateful I have my faith because without it, I don’t know how I would have got through the last few years, and it gives me the hope that things will continue to get better. I know God’s plan for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

His plan is to give me hope and a future. He wants me to be an active part of that plan. I can do this by calling on him, coming to him, praying to him, and seeking him with all my heart. Sometimes we forget verses 12 and 13 and just cling to verse 11.

When these traumatic intrusive thoughts come, I will call on God. I will pray to Him and seek Him with all my heart. I won’t keep this pain hidden from him because He is the only one who can heal it.

Are you going through a difficult situation? Or are you dealing with trauma from a past situation? What ways have you found help you cope?

Whatever you are going through or have been through, I am so sorry you are carrying that. I pray that through it all you can know that God wants to give you hope. He has a plan for your future. Don’t let go of that hope during the hard times.

If there is something that I can pray about for you? Please send me a message or leave a comment. As the body of Christ, we aren’t alone, we are called to help one another.

 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2