Grief. Can’t go over it, under it or around it. Have to go through it.

It’s been a month since we lost our baby and I have realised a few things about grief and the effect it has had on us. If you have dealt with grief, pain or trauma then you may be able to relate. I don’t claim to be an expert or even be able to articulate things eloquently, but this is from the heart and very real.

Grief is not something you can go over, under or around. Unfortunately to deal with it properly you have to go through it. I could try to ignore it or distract myself with activity or positive thoughts. But ultimately if I don’t deal with it head on, it is probably going to rear its head in the future and it might be ugly.

I have become a master at Silent Screaming. I have had conversations this past month where inside I am silently screaming. This may be because a sudden wave of grief has come over me while I am mid conversation with someone. It may be because of something I have just read online or heard, and I can’t let that pain out vocally. So, a silent scream becomes an option.

We must not put the pressure on ourselves to fix this & move on as quickly as we can. I agree we must not become stuck in the grief but there is no time scale that fits all. Listen, some days I haven’t been able to make simple decisions like what to eat for breakfast because my heart is hurting, or I can’t think through the tears, so to even consider that I could fix this pain is just not going to happen.

As a Christian, the only option for healing to take place is with the love, grace and power of God. He is the only one who can reach into the depth of my pain because it’s too deep for anyone or anything else to touch. His word says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”  Let me add that as a Christian, I still have questions about what we have been through & I am bringing them all to God through prayer & tears.

As I go THROUGH the grief, I know I will come out of this different. I have learnt that my heart will be different after this loss. Even now I see it, I feel it. I desire truth, honesty, integrity, depth & love, and nothing else will do right now. Life is short, and this life is nothing in comparison to the Eternity I will spend in heaven with Christ. So, I press on until the day of Glory knowing that these trials will not last forever and I did nothing to attract them.

If you are struggling, I would encourage you to pray and seek God. He can heal you. He loves you. He doesn’t want you to struggle through life alone. We are stronger together and even stronger with God.

Love

Amber

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