I have been through some pretty crappy things in life and have experienced some pain, but today it settled in me that I just wouldn’t be who I was without those things. I wouldn’t have the people in my life that I do without those things. I wouldn’t be where I am without those things. I know that could be both good and bad.

October is a month that holds good and bad memories for me and my husband.

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of losing Baby J. The experience of that miscarriage is still clear in my mind, the pain, the fear, the blood. I locked myself away from the world in my bed for almost two weeks, only being encouraged to step out by my husband to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary, a wonderful October memory.

A week today we will be driving to Alder Hey Hospital to stay the night at Ronald MacDonald House, ready for my babies second open heart surgery the morning after. The date we have been waiting for has finally been set. Creating more memories and dates that will stick in our mind during this month.

But all of these things shape me, they teach me.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5: 3-5

This bible verse is a little hard to swallow at times. Who rejoices in their sufferings?

I know for sure the suffering I experienced from losing Baby J, prepared me for the trials that came with my rainbow baby Azariah. I had crumbled and doubted and wrestled after the miscarriage so by the time I found out about his congenital heart defect I was determined to fight. I had a strength that I may not have had before and the hope I had in my God was an even stronger hope that He would carry us through this!

Did I wish that we hadn’t gone through any of this? Yes, of course I did! But at the end of the day, the reality is that we did go through it. So, to deny it or long for it to not have happened, it doesn’t help us get through it or move forward.

It is a big relief to know that I do not have to carry myself through suffering, that I do not have to rely on myself, on my own positive thoughts. I do not have to create or manifest my own healing because God is the ultimate healer. He will do it. And don’t get me wrong, we have not just resigned ourselves to this situation, we are praying and seeking God’s will in it all. We recognise we are in a spiritual battle and are not passive passengers on this journey!

The suffering I have been through and still am experiencing keeps my eyes focussed on the one who can help. There is nothing more I can do, it is an utter reliance on my God. This suffering shows me that I can handle more than I could ever imagine, with God!

Throughout my trials I have been refined, shaped and moulded. There is nothing like a test of patience to see how much patience you have! It can bring the worst of us to the surface, making us face the reality of who we really are. Nowhere to hide, therefore it can also show us the work God has already been doing in us, the growth. Revealing that new creation and hopefully the best of us.

As I said at the start, without all the things I have been through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Suffering is unfortunately part of our life here in this world, and being a Christian doesn’t make me exempt from it, but it does absolutely and utterly help me get through it.

It is only by the grace of God that I am who I am.

I have strangely had peace and joy at times over this journey.

Both at times where you wouldn’t have thought I would have peace or joy. This journey has been tough, and we are now entering what I believe to be the toughest of it all.

My biggest focus is my son, Azariah. We will do whatever we can to help him get through this. We will be his intercessor, his comfort, his rock, his strength, his protector 24 hours a day for however long we need. Our own needs will become bottom of the list.

As much as we are going through this too, we are not the ones who will have to experience the physical pain and the trauma of just not understanding what is happening.

I hope and pray that whatever may come over the next few weeks as we pack our bags for a hospital stay, that God will give us all we need to go through it and come out the other side more like Jesus than ever before.

Suffering changes us, but it can change us for the better too.

Amber x