Today I had to hold my son very tightly while he had a little mask put on his face to put him to sleep under general anaesthetic. He needed to have a CT scan. This is to help the cardiologists prepare and plan for the next open heart surgery.
The photo was taken in the room we waited in before the scan. They had this small model of the CT machine in there.
It was incredibly difficult to hold him while he tried to fight with me, then leaving his little sleeping body in the care of the medical team.
We waited about 40 minutes until we were called in and I practically ran to him. I could hear him crying before we got there. I wanted our faces to be the first he saw when he came round, but they needed to check he was OK before we could come in.
After a time of cuddles with mum and dad we went up to a ward for a few hours so he could rest and be observed.
It was strange being back on the ward we previously spent four weeks on when he was born.
There was a little girl crying in the bed next to us. The curtains were drawn, but I think they were trying to take blood. It’s hard to hear other children so upset.
Having arrived at the hospital at 9.30am, we didn’t leave until 5pm. We are all pretty exhausted.
I’m writing this in the hope that it helps me process the memories created today. I’m already having counselling for PTSD to process memories from the first bout of surgery.
Does it become easier signing consent forms that have a loss of life as a risk, no matter how big or small that risk is? I don’t think it ever will. You always question if you are making the right decision. But then you see the machines showing the oxygen saturations in his body, getting lower as time goes on, so what choice do we have but to keep praying and trusting those that do this day in and day out.
Sharing our experiences has helped me in connecting with others who have been or who are going through similar. It’s been therapeutic.
Today felt like a little snapshot of how it may be when we have to go in for the next surgery. I don’t look forward to it at all.
For now, I’m grateful to be back at home with my little family x